Sunday, November 21, 2010

Ten Things I learned While Visiting Alabama

Ten Things I Learned While Visiting Alabama:

  1. There are no street signs. If you don’t know where yer goin’… yer shit outta luck.
  2. There are no street lights. If you don’t have night vision… yer shit outta luck x2.
  3. It is completely normal for a guy to be drivin’ a hunk o’ crap, half naked, while guzzlin’ a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. The muffler on his car is for dramatic effect, only. I like to call ‘em: “The Fast and the Ferociously Thirsty”.
  4. Don’t pick up a caterpillar, cuz it might be a millipede.
  5. Be careful when you climb trees. There are spiders everywhere, and they are always HUGE! Just like the beautiful trees they live in and the expansive webs they weave (which you are constantly pushing through).
  6. It is completely normal for you to see people barbequing at the Texaco. What they are cooking, exactly… can be left to your imagination.
  7. Don’t be surprised if you see a swing-set halfway in the middle of the street, or a trampoline leaning sideways on a hill, or a headstone right next to the roadside…  
  8. Fried foods are a staple of the southern diet, and butter, and cream. Fried green-tomatoes and dill pickles = yum!! But they may truly be the only thing you will eat if yer a vegi.
  9. It is common to see an immaculate mansion right next door to a run-down shack…and then a store… and then a church… and then a bank and then… Where are we again???
  10. Moonshine is made with corn mash, sugar and road-kill… it helps it ferment faster. Matter-of-fact…armadillo is a favorite additive. No worries though, the moonshine eats away the armadillo’s shell.
  11. Southern hospitality is not a myth. It is an absolute truth. I know this is numero eleven, but… The wonderful folks I met while in Alabama deserve a shout-out from a “flat-lander”. Visit the south. You will not regret it.


C. D. Bennett said...

haha that was awesome!

Anonymous said...

YEP...that's the way it is out here in Kansas too...God please help me to keep my sanity...lmao...Joann

Amanda Borenstadt said...

Great post. I've always wanted to go to Alabama. Thanks for the little taste. :)

Alba Arango said...

That's amazing. Now I totally want to go to Alabama. :)