Friday, October 1, 2010

(Maxwell Alexander Drake) You want my story for your publishing house?
(Acquisitions Editor) I think I'm entitled to it.
(Maxwell Alexander Drake) You want my story?
(Acquisitions Editor) I want your story!
(Maxwell Alexander Drake) You can't handle my story! Son, we live in a world that has books. And those books have to be read by people with intelligence. Who's gonna read them? You? You, Mr. Acquisitions Editor? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the death of Hardbacks and you curse the rise of the eBook. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the death of the Hardback, while tragic, probably creates new fans. And my writing style, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, entertains and moves fans... You say you want my story. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want the fans who like my stories. You need the fans who pay for my stories!

I use words like plot, character development, point of view... I use these words as the backbone to a life spent writing stories fans appreciate. You use 'em as the back blurb to your books! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to an Acquisitions Editor who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very stories I provide, then questions the manner in which I write them! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a pen and write your own story. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

(Acquisitions Editor) Are you going to submit to my publishing house?
(Maxwell Alexander Drake) (quietly) I wrote a story that fits your submission guidelines.
(Acquisitions Editor) (screaming) Are you going to submit to my publishing house?
(Maxwell Alexander Drake) (screams back) You're goddamn right I am!!!


Tami Snow said...

Drake, Love the last line of this.

C. D. Bennett said...

I'll second that, haha

Drake said...

This is an actual piece I sent to an editor.

The full story is...

An acquisitions editor had talked to me at a convention a few months ago about being in something they were doing. After we discussed things, I told him, "Yes, I will send you something for your book by your December deadline."

He emailed me yesterday and asked, "I know we talked about it, but you never committed to being in our book. Are you going to?"

So, I wrote him and said, "well, I thought we worked it out, but hey, I am a writer, so let me be succinct." Then I wrote that and sent it to him.

He said he laughed so hard he cried and wants to use that as a promotional piece.

Who knew acquisitions editors had a sense of humor?